2024 really said f*ck your feelings and go deal with them

Did you know that once you eventually slow tf down, all the stuff you’ve been trying to outrun finally catches up to you?

This year was that year where everything finally came to a head and all the things I was trying to push way, way down finally caught up with me.

Shocking I know, but the moment you stop trying to workaholic away your emotions, the emotions do eventually show up.

This year I didn’t have a full-time startup job for the first time since December of 2014.

How’s that for symmetry?

The thing with startup jobs is they are so demanding, so insane that you really don’t have time to deal with your own shit. You work crazy hours and/or are working through deadlines and ever-changing priorities that you can never really sort through your own life. It’s quite the high and for a high-functioning creative it’s a dream state and an environment I thrived in for the last decade as I moved from Series A to Series A.

The Lay Off

I got let go on September 30, 2023. The second layoff of that same calendar year. I was already working towards State Champs, the coffee shop so I threw all my energy and emotions into making that a reality ahead of the 2024 March Madness tournament. I say that because once again I didn’t deal with anything. I just kept moving. Because that’s all I have known for the last 10+ years – keep moving. I tried to replace the startup high with opening up a brick and mortar business. Except this was very different and a whole new stress because it was my own money (life savings woo hoo), my own gamble, my own self-imposed deadlines.

So in 2024, I stopped moving and all the depression and undiagnosed ADHD said “hey, is now a good time?”

The Coffee Shop To Depression Pipeline

We opened up a coffee shop using our own money – life savings and a cashed out 401K – all while managing a mortgage I got while on a startup salary (lol) and you know existing in life as a parent and human being.

Lemme tell ya, that stress of opening and running your own physical business isn’t for the faint at heart. All that stress and financial worry compounded in a way that 33+ years of undiagnosed depression feeds on. Remember all that stuff you never dealt with? All the trauma you worked through in therapy but stopped going to because financial obligations changed your ability to afford it? Well, here it is live and in color!

I was diagnosed with situational depression in college but never really knew I had it full-time w2 status in my brain. I assumed everyone’s brain functioned this way, another thing I would also learn this year when I got diagnosed with ADHD.

“Doesn’t everyone feel like this?”

The answer is no, apparently.

The Summer of ADHD

The depression was mild for the beginning of the year and got progressively “wtf” as the year went on. A car accident, business stress, insane deadlines for dream collaborations, oh and financial stress the size of a small country really brought it out in no time though.

Then, during the summer I got diagnosed with ADHD. This one I probably should have seen coming if I’m being honest. It all made so much sense and also another reason I probably excelled in a startup environment. It makes total sense for someone with this brain. You literally bounce around as priorities change and some new board member or Slack message tells you to do X instead of Y.

ADHD and stress don’t mix, toss in depression and that’s the Long Island Iced Tea of this fucking sucks. All the financial stress and small business stress™ made for a nice breeding ground. A ground that was finally still.

EARTHQUAKE!

At some points during this year I really felt like I was cursed or on some hidden camera show with the premise of how far we can mess with someone. But then it hit me, no literally, I know why this happened now.

This year was the first time I finally stopped having something to occupy my brain in the way only a really demanding job can or a closeted sexuality can (how’s that for content??). No wonder all the diagnoses came to a head. Before this year, I was a spinning top, and there was no way things were going to be acknowledged or dealt with. I had plenty of things occupying my brain before this year – work, life, first time parenthood, moving (a lot), coming out – and then cut to this year… I finally had the personal life I always wanted.

So naturally, this year was the year I needed to finally sort out my own shit.

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of cool stuff happened this year and stuff I am really proud of but all in all, this year sucked for my mental health. But this year HAD to suck. It had to be hard. It had to literally break me down. If it hadn’t, could you imagine how worse it would have gotten? How big the earthquake would have been if I kept going? That’s terrifying to think about.

I am writing this with two days left in the year. I am writing this, not for pity or to bum you out, but so I can put into words what this year was for me and to say good freaking riddance to 2024. I am an external processor after all.

I am a person of logic and always needing to know the why behind things. Being able to reconcile with the fact that it exploded how it did because it had backlogged for a very, very long time.

It exploded now because I am emotionally safe. I am in a safe and stable relationship where I am my authentic self. I am finally not jumping to the next thing and I have a stable job that doesn’t distract me from my own life. I am no longer running or spinning.

End Scene

This year, I finally experienced and acknowledged my shit. It was hard. It was messy. It was debt-inducing (gd, so much debt). It was agonizing and honestly so intense, but it had to happen. As much as that sucks to say it really did have to happen this way. I don’t know that I would have learned my lessons otherwise. I am far too busy or stubborn for any other method.

2024 broke me in ways that what you just read could never truly articulate (I did try though). But like a phoenix or a girl who went to Red Rocks for the first time – I have seen the other side and I am ready to be reborn.